Kung Phew!
Illustrated by Gus Gordon
As the Baked Bean Bandit, Marty is the undefeated World Farting Champion. Now he has a new challenge – to beat stinky super-villain General Pu in a battle for kung phew supremacy!
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Kung Phew!

Simon Mitchell


Chapter 1

PHWAAAARBOOOM! Smellvis Presley unleashed a massive blast of bum-thunder towards me. I ducked underneath his gas attack, then spun around and launched a counter-assault, hitting Smellvis with a hot-wind hurricane that made his sideburns curl. He pointed his white jump-suited bum in my direction, but before he could let loose with another fart I hit him square in the face with one of my smelliest master-blasters. Smellvis turned the same colour as his jump-suit. He dropped to his knees, coughing uncontrollably and grabbing his nose, as the bell rang to end the championship bout.

'That's a five-point nose-grab-and-cough combo!' screamed the stadium announcer over the loudspeaker. 'The Baked Bean Bandit wins by a massive thirty-one points to zero! He's taken out yet another World Farting Championship! Is there anyone on Earth who can out-stink this young man?'

The crowd roared as I stepped down from the farting ring. Smellvis slunk off, still holding his nose.

'Well done, Marty,' said my coach Mr Windybottom as I walked into the dressing-room with my Golden Cheese trophy. He was wearing his usual brown suit and bowler hat. Behind me, cleaners were starting to spray the empty arena with big cans of air freshener.

'Thanks, Mr Windybottom,' I said.

I took off my Bandit eye-mask and grabbed a complimentary can of Li'l Bangers Baked Beans to refuel. 'I was a bit worried when Sergeant Popper hit me with that bun-shaker in the semi-final, but I managed to recover pretty quickly.'

'You certainly did,' said Mr Windybottom. 'If you keep going at this rate, you might even beat my winning streak!'

I didn't know about that. Even though he'd been retired for years, Mr Windybottom was still regarded as one of the greatest fartists of all time. Thanks to his expert coaching, I hadn't lost an international farting tournament yet.

Mr Windybottom was holding a sheet of paper covered in painted Chinese characters.

'What's that?' I asked, scooping a spoonful of baked beans from the can.

Mr Windybottom smiled. 'It's a letter from my old teacher, Master Pong. He's invited me to attend a very important festival at his monastery in China.'

'You went to school in China?' I asked.

'Well, not school, exactly,' said Mr Windybottom. 'When I was about your age, I spent a year on exchange at Master Pong's monastery, learning the basics of kung phew.'

'I've read about kung phew in Flatulators' Digest,' I said, gulping down my mouthful of beans. 'It's some sort of martial art, isn't it?'

'Not quite,' said Mr Windybottom. 'It's more of a fartial art. Master Pong is the leader of the Order of the Sacred Wind, an elite group of warrior monks who combine fighting skills with methane meditation to achieve the perfect balance of mind, body and flatulence.'

Fartial Arts? Order of the sacred Wind? Methane meditation? I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I used to think that World Championship Farting was the strangest thing in the world, but a bunch of farting monks sounded even weirder.

'So what's this festival all about?' I asked.

'The Windy Warriors hold it once every five years,' my coach told me. 'It honours the most powerful and important relic in the history of flatulence – the Beans of Destiny. Legend has it that whoever consumes the sacred Beans could fart non-stop for a thousand years.'

Wow – and I thought my three-minute bum-rumblers were impressive!

'Tell you what, Marty,' said Mr Windybottom. 'Why don't you come to the festival with me? You might pick up a few new techniques.'

Farting is the only thing I'm good at, and I didn't think I could get any better at it. Then again – I'd wanted to go to China ever since I'd discovered that stir-fried Chinese broccoli made me incredibly gassy.

'What the heck,' I said. 'I'll do it!'


    Penguin (Aussie Bites)
    Junior Fiction
    ISBN (Paperback)
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